


Surrender

by andjudar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anger, Childhood Memories, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Frustration, Internal Conflict, Jedi Ben Solo, Memories, Mental Anguish, Mental Link, Mental training, Pain, this voice inside his head
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andjudar/pseuds/andjudar
Summary: Ben Solo is young and alone, even though he is with his uncle and surrounded by other learners. Yet, there is a voice inside his head, which causes havoc and destruction and shatter the balance within him. Will he be able to listen to an old friend through the pain and anger in his mind?
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren





	1. *Light*

#  ***Light***

The boy was only 10 years old when Luke Skywalker took him in, away from his family. When his parents grew aware of the raw potential and strength in his awakening, they understood quite quickly that he needed guidance to build a life for him, something they knew they couldn’t provide him with. There was too much Vader in him, they would argue in secret with Leia using the Force to shield their thoughts when both grew aware of too many similarities between their son and her father. Yet, he could feel the fear in both his parents, and even though they tried to keep their thoughts from him, he knew that they saw the only hope to save little Ben from following the destructive path of the dark side in his uncle Luke. The Skywalker blood in him could not be denied, they saw that early on. 

Yet, Ben was kept in the dark about his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker - Darth Vader. Vader, once a heroic Jedi Knight, was seduced by Emperor Palpatine to join the dark side of the Force and became one of the greatest Sith Lords. Both Leia and Luke knew that for the sake of the entire galaxy, never again could they allow another such powerful man to take over the Force. Even though their father, Anakin - Vader - had redeemed himself in the end by slaying the person who turned him towards the dark side, Palpatine, neither of them wanted to lose Ben to that same or similar fate. 

And so, Ben Solo began his Jedi training as the first student being part of Skywalker’s initiative to restore the Jedi Order. It was a slow thing to come about, and Luke who was distressed by the notion of being the last of the old Jedi, spent years of developing the first formal training school for Jedi in decades with a disparate group of 12 Force-sensitive youngsters with various degrees of training. Most were raw and promising, like Ben, some just came from good breeding and high expectations.

Tisea was one of the newer students, a willowy, yet not overly tall girl from Lothal. Ben sensed the force to be strong in her. She was not a child anymore, but young enough that she still had the exuberance of childhood but she walked with the confidence of someone at least a decade older, radiating intelligence and strength despite her scrawny body. She lacked the guile and complexity of the other students, she did not hide what she was, yet she did not give away any emotion and Ben admired her for that. The other students were too eager, too dedicated, too afraid, too proud.

Some of the students were close in age and spirit to Ben, and they formed some sort of companionship while sitting on the temple grounds learning about the Force through Skywalker’s lectures or honing their skills by levitating rocks. Ben’s natural affinity with the Force did not go unnoticed by the other students, who seemed to have no difficulty at all to harness the powers while they struggled despite training just as hard, wondering why he was so much stronger than them. Skywalker however tried to explain in his teachings that it was simply not the way the force worked, likening it to opening a door and letting the Force flow more easily through those who were open to its energy. The Force was balance, one could not only take from it, and that was one of the biggest mistakes most of Skywalker’s students made.

Quite quickly so, Ben rose up to be the prodigy child, strongly devoted to the ways of the Jedi, learning whatever there was to learn about the Jedi Order’s ancient history in the hope to fully restoring it. Some of the other learners whispered behind his back, their envy poorly hidden, about his ancestry, others didn’t care much about the strange, tall boy. 

Skywalker, just like Ben’s parents, always tried to shield young Solo from the secrets of their family as he felt that the boy was too inquisitive about the hows and whys behind his affinity for the Force, but all he achieved by it was to isolate him. 

Ben retreated into himself even more now that new students had joined the Jedi school as he felt that they resented him for his power and position in the temple. 

The latest bunch of misfits, as Ben labelled them - had just arrived, most of them undernourished rebel children, dirty and scared, yet he senses the Force strong in a few of them. Somehow the words ‘scum of the universe’ came to his mind when he saw them, uninvited, unwanted. It was a familiar voice, one he had been hearing since he was very little. Ben labelled everyone, even his master and himself, mostly in despective terms. No one was good enough, himself included, which was also something he had learned from the voice inside his head. 

The voice was soothing, always calming when Ben had irate thoughts and since it gave him comfort and guidance in his times of need, he never associated it with a negative influence and never told anyone about it. What he did not realize was that the voice would only kindle the spark inside of him that was his anger, his frustration, his pain, everything Luke had tried to bury or eliminate through his teachings. It was also the reason that Ben would train mostly by himself, or directly with Luke but barely pair up with the other learners. He preferred to be alone, so that his mind could concentrate on whatever the voice had to say to him. There were a few students who would make him laugh or help him cope with the pressure of training and the fact that he was a Skywalker but they all suspected that Ben hid a part of himself away, from them and from Luke. 

There had been incidents where the voice would make it hard for Ben to behave normally, like the one a few months ago where Luke had taken Ben to Elphrona to investigate an ancient Jedi outpost but encountered a group of Force-wielding mercenaries, the Knights of Ren, scavenging the ruins. Skywalker confronted them but their leader, Ren, offered a truce. It had not been the only thing Ren had offered. When he had caught Ben alone, he also offered him an open invitation to the group’s ranks if he would ever desire to join them in the future. His words still rang in Ben’s ears, amplified and constantly repeated by that voice in his head: “There is great strength within you, great shadow. I can sense it.” Ben did not know what he had meant back then, yet the voice calmly expanded on the topic and the boy slowly began to realize why his parents and the other students were so afraid of him. 

Luke saw the struggle on Ben’s face on their way back yet did not inquire about the reason. It seemed to him that the boy was just upset and confused about the events of the day and judging the situation, he felt it was better not to push the matter. So he simply kept true to his beliefs - that the boy was wrestling the weight of both sides, but would come out the victor of the Light Side at the end, under his guidance. It was all he could believe in after all, to cling to his ways and teach him well to the best of his abilities. 

The teachings in the ways of the Jedi included specialized study of subjects such as military history, diplomacy, science, investigation and medical science as well as resistance towards mind probes and interrogation but Skywalker’s methods were a little different to the old ways as he placed emphasis on teaching his apprentices to be calm and in control of their developing Jedi abilities. During his own training, Skywalker had remained reckless, cutting short his training to confront Darth Vader, a battle he lost. He had not been in control of his emotions when Vader had revealed the shocking truth of him being his father. Emotional detachment was essential to prevent Jedi from becoming vulnerable to feelings of jealousy, greed, and the fear of loss, all of which were paths to the dark side. It did not mean, however, to lose compassion, something only few really understood.

There were occasions where Luke paired him up with Tisea, especially when it came to the practice of patience and emotional detachment. Ben wasn’t good at either of them. The girl was calm and collected in her every way, and some of that calmness reflected within the boy and even though Ben strove to not let anyone close, she always managed to break through to him, and everytime he learned to hide from her again. Her mind was like a book to read for him, she guarded nothing and there were times when Ben wished he could simply let go of everything that was crowding his mind and not hide anything, just like her. 

He would get angry when he didn’t reach that state of total peace that Master Luke was so insistent about, and that Tisea always seemed to reach so easily. 

In today’s training, Ben once again failed to achieve the purpose of the lesson.

“There is too much conflict in you, Ben. I did not mean to pry but I can feel that your entire mind is occupied by it.” The girl apologized, breaking the silence that had hung between them like a heavy curtain. 

“You did not mean to pry yet here you are, tapping into my mind as if I had given you permission to do so?” Ben taunted, but the smile betrayed him. She would always pry, always enter his mind - or at least try to.“I am trying so hard yet I cannot seem to get there. And let me tell you, it is even harder with you nagging in here…” He tipped two fingers against his temple, face twisted in pretend utter defeat. 

“You try too hard, you worry too much.” came her simple but honest answer. “You need to learn to control your emotions.”

“What if I can’t?” Ben interjected.

“Can’t?” Tisea asked back. “Or don’t want to?”

Ben hated that she could see right through him and made sure to remind himself of not being that easily invaded ever again. It was actually less about her than about the fact that it made him feel weak and for him, it was the one most horrendous thing to feel. 

Skywalker would teach patience and meditation above all other things and he would not let slip the slightest opportunity to remind his students of their importance. “A Jedi's greatest power comes not from size or from physical strength. It comes from understanding the Force. As part of your training you will learn to build your confidence and belief through practice." Impatience was another big mistake, and Skywalker made sure that all the students knew about their shortcomings. “Once you understand the patience you need, you can begin to understand the Force. There is light and dark, just as there is life and death, as there is hope and despair, growth and demise. All is in balance within the Force. And that is what you need to take away from this lesson, young Padawans. Balance is of utmost importance when it comes to dealings with it. You take and it gives, yet there will come a time where you will have to give back. "The Force is not a power you get or have. It's the energy between all things, a tension, a balance, that binds the universe together. You can draw from it but at the same time must give back to it. You must give in to it.” 

It was something Luke would teach often, and every time he would look around into the curious faces of his students. And every time one of the more quirky students would ask a question, usually one not even related to what Skywalker had been saying. 

Today, little Nondi piped up: “When will we be creating our lightsabers?”

Luke sighed heavily but masked it carefully. His older students, who already had constructed their own, were watching him attentively. 

“When you are ready.” He had given this answer so many times over already. “Once you are, we will travel to the Crystal Caves of Ilum and the crystal that is meant for you will lead you through the Force to find it. It is yet another lesson to overcome your own personal fears or failings and attune the crystal to your Force. Do you remember what I just told you about patience? This is where you need it the most. Be patient, young one.” Luke smiled at the little boy, all eagerness suddenly replaced by a sullen look of disappointment. “In a way, a lightsaber is the extension of your Force awareness and the crystal helps center yourselves and handle the balance in the Force. But before you can build your lightsaber, you need to be able to understand that balance and you can only understand that balance with patience.”

Now, one of the older students asked about Darth Vader, obviously to spite Ben in front of their master. “What about the dark side of the Force? How can we make sure that there won’t be another rogue Jedi or even worse, Sith Lord among ourselves? Like another Darth Vader?” The boy, Bretlan, had never tried to hide his jealousy of Ben’s apparent strength and determination and would usually direct comments to Ben when they were alone, but now he had called him out in front of everybody. 

Luke squinted his eyes at the boy who had just spoken. Bretlan was gifted but tried too hard and thought more about taking and less about taking from the force. He also saw Ben crouched on the ground with the others, his deep, dark brown eyes displaying the strength he had to use to suppress his rising anger. Did his students know more than Luke had anticipated?

“Vader only seeked power, and it had to be more and more every time. Yet he did so to bury the sorrows of his own broken past to numb his pain. The Jedi harness the light side’s abilities of the Force through a mental state of peace and calmness, while the Sith relied on their hunger for more and more strength and power. That hunger distorted them, and finally led to their downfall. Remember the balance. You cannot only take - as the Sith do, they feed off the power of the dark side of the Force and cause destruction - you can only gain strength from balance. What you must understand is that the Sith were not the Dark Side. The Sith were using the dark to pervert the light. But even then, the Jedi never wanted to destroy the Dark side, just contain it while the Sith wanted to flood the galaxy and wipe out the Light side entirely. As Jedis, it is our duty to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness.” He paused and let his eyes travel across his students’ faces to measure the impact his words had had. All but Ben showed rejection in their eyes, the younger ones something that came close to fear even, yet Luke could see pure hatred on Ben’s face. Hatred and pain, and Skywalker did not know what it meant.


	2. *Dusk*

#  ***Dusk***

When Ben was finally alone that night, sitting on his bed, the old Jedi books of wisdom on his nightstand, he thought about what Skywalker had said. Luke’s words mingled with the voice in his head, but were quickly overthrown by the voice that so calmly refuted everything his uncle had said and made Ben’s anger bearable. 

The voice now was more present, more intense, more haunting, yet more believable than ever, and Ben did not try to subdue it this time. _“The Jedi are weak, they believe that striving for something, longing for something, hungering for something is wrong. They don’t rely on their emotions and that debilitates their minds. They believe that they are invincible, yet you know quite well yourself how many - or how few - are left. Emotions make you strong, and Skywalker doesn’t want you to be strong as he fears that you will become stronger than him. You already are and he cannot see it. His what he claims to be a selfless commitment to serving and defending others is ridiculous, and you know it.”_

Ben felt that he knew, and even though it was not the same as knowing, it was good enough for the moment. 

_“I can show you how you can be all and everything, more than you believe yourself capable of. I can be a much better teacher as I can see what you need and what you want, unlike your uncle, who has ulterior motives for you…and they are not good ones.”_

Ben sighed and shook his head as if to get rid of the voice, he knew that his uncle loved him. 

_“He may do so, but love is not what will make you strong and keep you alive. I only want the best for you, young Solo, unlike your uncle, or your parents. They all fear you. They don’t trust you. They don’t want you to do what you are capable of doing. And you let them make you weak. I can help you, I can teach you, without me you will be nothing. You won’t survive without me.”_

Somehow he felt as if it was the only truth that existed. Ben wasn’t too sure why he felt that way as there was a faint memory of a very different truth.

_“When I found you, I saw what all masters live to see, raw and untamed power. And beyond that, something truly special. Oh, the potential of your bloodline. For years I have searched for an apprentice worthy of my teachings. And you, young Solo, might just be the masterpiece I will be sculpting, you with those promising origins and the right balance of light and dark. You might just be a new Vader, and much stronger so. Better, more powerful.”_

Ben had suspected for a long time now that his grandfather was Anakin Skywalker, the great Jedi, the chosen one who turned to the dark side and embraced the Sith. 

_“Wouldn’t you like that? Be powerful? Much more so than your uncle?”_

Of course, every little boy dreamt of power, yet never had any idea what that power actually might look like. 

_“You are not happy here...you are not content. Whatever you are looking for, you will not find it in Skywalker. I however will gladly give you all you need. I will help you become who you are meant to be.”_

In his mind, under the constant ministrations of the voice in his head, Skywalker had turned from what Ben had believed to be his caring uncle and teacher into a controlling, overbearing master, someone who did not have the best intentions nor his best interest at heart. Slowly yet surely, his hatred overthrew his common sense and he lost to it, paying no heed to the warning that flashed in his head that allowing those overwhelmingly corruptive thoughts would probably make him a possible ultimate prize for the dark side. 

He felt that little voice kindle the sparks of his fury and almost unwillingly, his hand shot out, fingers clenched into a claw and on the other side of the room, a metal pot crinkled and crunched into a grotesque torn shape under the pressure of his mind. It felt almost real, his mind gave his body the experience of the action and Ben reveled in the feeling. He held the destroyed pot suspended in the air before him for another moment, looking at it while spinning it around in front of him, wondering how it would feel if it had been a human that was being choked out of life. 

It was then that he remembered what Tisea had said to him earlier, about him not wanting to control his emotions. She was right, though, Ben thought. He did not want to control his emotions, not any longer as the anger he felt most of the time numbed the pain that lingered within him, the hatred made him feel less weak. He had always hated the feeling of weakness and his newly found conviction of allowing himself to feel whatever he wanted to feel made that particular feeling insignificant and trivial.

He leant back on the frugal bed, head propped up against the pillow, eyes tied to the wooden beams in the stony structure of the dome overhead, trying to calm his mind. He was tired, yet his mind did not grant him rest and he tossed and turned restlessly. When he finally did fall asleep, and sleep did not come easily, his mind dreamed up the most vivid images of chaos and bloodshed, riled up by that little yet so incredibly powerful voice inside his head.

The next days, he spent alone, only making mandatory attendance for the schooling hours but he did not mingle with the other students as he used to. He also did not pair up with Tisea when his uncle asked him to. He did not feel like it, he preferred to brood over his devastating thoughts in solitude. The voice in his head had done its work well. 

His face, once boyish and innocent, was now bony, pale and harrowed, framed by the long slick strands of jet black hair. His large dark brown eyes seemed almost black, distressed and menacing. Luke did not push the matter. Ben had had episodes of withdrawing into himself before, it was a normal thing growing up and Luke knew fairly well about the pressure of the Jedi training the boy must feel upon his shoulders, being the Skywalker he was. 

Luke remembered very well how his own passage into adulthood had been like, with the death of his uncle Owen and his wife Beru right back on Tatooine right before being taken off planet by Obi-Wan Kenobi. None of it had been easy on him, yet he had pulled through, thanks to the light side of the Force, and even though he sensed darkness within Ben, he was sure that the boy would do the same and pull through. There had been many instances, even for himself, where the Dark had been seductive and called upon him but Luke had always known - or felt - that the light side held so much more. 

It was Luke’s strong belief that the power of the light side of the Force would always be available for its good use for the Jedi, flowing through them at every given moment, filling their every fiber. The Dark however did not serve the Sith, the Sith served the dark side and in the end, they always paid the ultimate price. The dark side held passion, but also anger, hatred, fear and aggression, and those emotions, once indulged, flowed easily with the dark side, as it was highly corruptive. It did not bear any more power than the light side but was quicker to reach and use for those who yielded to their emotions. Yet once started upon the dark path, there was seldom a going back. The power the Dark gave their wielders would become so strong that it consumed them, just like it did Anakin Skywalker - Darth Vader - who had gotten too emotionally attached to his deceased mother and wife and fallen to the temptation of achieving immortality, wishing to avenge their deaths over and over again, unable to let go, unable to understand that death was inevitable and unchangeable. The dark side of the Force was a pathway to many abilities some would consider unnatural, yet highly desirable by those who needed more and more of that power. What the Jedi had become was wrong and their ideas corrupted by the dark, Master Yoda had said so himself. Luke didn’t want to understand the truth of it, but he knew it was true, and so much more. Probably that was the reason he had decided to build the academy and take on new students, something he had sworn to never do again. 

There had been balance for so many years, and Luke wanted nothing more than to pass on his strength onto Ben, being the one to carry that mighty Skywalker blood into the future. Maybe the fact that it was his nephew made him less aware - or even blind - to the fact of the growing darkness inside Ben. He always only wanted to believe that there was good in people, and even though there were many dark moments for many of the people he had met so far on his journey through life, everyone that meant something to him had something good about them. For a moment, he remembered his father, and that final moment that reunited them. The books told the story of the mighty Skywalker defeating Darth Vader, but that was simply not the truth. Luke had not defeated Vader because he was stronger, but because the latter was not ready to fight his son, and did not respond as required to Luke’s angry onslaught. He had judged Anakin too quickly, he had jumped to conclusions without considering the consequences and now he was trying to rebuild what had been destroyed by what had become of his father. 

Ben’s inherent strength, raw yet fragile, made Luke reminisce about his father, his downfall and redemption. Luke sensed his nephew’s considerable potential for limitless power and it scared him, especially on that fateful night. All lights were out, only a few stray torches were still burning along the footpaths of the small, dark temple village, but in his mind, the passage to his nephew’s hut was alight with powerful energy. He approached the sleeping boy quietly and didn’t even need to reach out to sense the overwhelming darkness in his mind and soul, the death and destruction Solo would someday bring to everything Skywalker loved under the impressively concealed machinations of the dark side of the Force. He could even put a name to the one responsible for it, Supreme Leader Snoke, an enemy that Luke had fought before and defeated, but not killed. 

The threat was fleeting, yet so immediate and severe that Luke couldn’t stop himself from drawing and igniting his lightsaber, his every intention set on killing the boy to prevent his vision from becoming reality but the impulse vanished as quickly as it had appeared when he saw the genuine fear in Ben’s now open eyes, only to be replaced by deep shame. The image must have been frightening for the boy, seeing his uncle hovering over him, lightsaber blazing, ready to strike true and kill - him, no matter how short the moment, no matter how strong the shame and remorse. Ben did not take the time to reach out and check for his uncle’s intentions, that one short moment’s actions were clear and he knew instantly that Skywalker knew about that voice and his dark ways of thinking. In an act of desperation and sheer panic - after all, he was just a young boy - he reached for his own saber to strike but when Luke blocked the blow, Ben lashed out blindly and wreaked havoc all around him, collapsing the entire hut upon his master, seething with anger and confusion.

He did not wait to check if Luke was still alive, and his mind was too upset, too troubled to be able to focus on him. Ben crawled out of the ruins, believing his uncle was dead.

Confused and despaired, betrayed and consumed with one question only, he screamed “Why? Why did you betray me?”, full of rage, yet without receiving a reply. Not even that little voice was there to help now. A Jedi used the Force only and exclusively for knowledge and in defense, never for attack. But Ben had done the unthinkable, he had used the force to kill. And not just one, but many.

His screams quickly turned into pained sobs as he witnessed the dark sky turn violently red and lightning erupting from heavy storm clouds, unleashing destruction and fire on the temple and all the surrounding buildings. He could hear cries and wails of pain from his fellow students as they died in the electric storm, yet when he wanted to run towards them, he was thrown back by an explosion which knocked him back. He tried again, and was once more thrown backwards. 

Ben scrambled to his feet again, but fell to his knees when he became aware of the destruction of what he had called home for the last couple of years, of the deaths he believed to be his doings. He sensed the pain and deaths of his friends, and he felt their agony with every fiber of his body.

“I am so sorry! I never wanted this! What have I done?” he cried as he cradled his head in his hands, unable to wrench his gaze away from the fire. “What have I done? What have I done?”

 _“You haven’t done anything wrong, young Solo,”_ came the soothing words of that little voice from within his mind, safely tucked away from the horrors Ben was witnessing, wallowing in own pain, taking advantage of his frailty in the moment. _“The fault lies uniquely with Skywalker, with the Jedi themselves. But not with you!”_ The words caressed his tormented soul and against his better judgment, Ben felt his anguish fall away little by little. 

_“The past needs to be destroyed in order for you to become who you are meant to be, no matter how. You made the first step. I will guide you along.”_

And it was in this destructive moment of horror and self-pity that Ben fell for the message the voice had delivered, believing every single word it had ever said to him. The hatred he had guarded in his heart now flowed freely through his whole being, channeling through another scream that broke from his throat. More lightning struck as if called upon and guided, and within seconds, the whole village was ablaze with fire and he couldn’t take the sight anymore. Ben scrambled to his feet, blind with tears and ran for the hills.


End file.
